Tag Archives: Relationship

Burning Bridges……

Posted on 06/16/2010 by admin
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Whenever I am at a loss to know what to write I put it out to the Universe and Hey Presto she provides me with something completely awesome to share, and this time is no exception.

Yesterday I was happily decorating, painting my chimney a colour called Teal Tension,and which incidentally looks fab! I’m embarking on a massive house make-over because I want my lovely boyfriend to come and spend time at my house and at the minute the house is an embarrassing shambles. I need to mention that I have not invited a boyfriend into my home the entire 3 years since I’ve been single. I’ve always thought of my home literally as my castle and up ’til now its had a very deep moat and very solid draw bridge. It has been the place I’ve come to be myself, hide from the world, reconnect and rejuvenate myself and a million others things that have all been very solo occupations so letting the drawbridge down and inviting someone into my world is a huge thing for me. In order for this to happen though I need to decorate like a demon! The last time I decorated was when I had become newly single and I decorated out of anger! lol And you can definitely tell! All the walls are fairly dark and drab and the house really doesn’t represent where I am now and thats why its so important for me to change it -it needs to be happy, confident and bright and reflect where I am right now – so thats my current mission.

Anyway – back to the topic of this post, while I was painting I had a text message, it was from a guy I’d seen a few times in the past, you know the sort of person, you get on great but circumstances always seem to conspire against you for a full on relationship. After the usual preliminaries of How are you, What have you been up to etc I thought I’d better mention that I’d met someone, not only had I met someone but that I was completely smitten! This was met, of course with complete shock, for all the years I’ve known this guy I’ve never felt more than luke warm about someone and then he said he was really pleased for me , to which I replied thank you, and a tacit goodbye, a bridge had just been burnt.

Once again this is new territory for me, closing off relationships that are not compatible with where I am heading but its not scarey, the way ahead is sunny and bright. Sometimes I think you have to burn your bridges in order to forge ahead on a particular path, its all too easy to hang on to the past because its familiar, tried and tested and seems safe but I think while you hang on to it its taking up valuable emotional space inside of you that you can replace with something more exciting and ultimately more fulfilling.

I’m sure I’ve heard a quote before about not looking to the past but I couldn’t find it to put here so I will have to rely on my own words of wisdom – You cannot head comfortably into the future when you are looking behind into the past.

Back to the wallpapering…..


Claire x0x0x

Sometimes you need to be brave….

Posted on 06/08/2010 by admin
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How do you class brave? For an agoraphobic it might be putting one foot out of the door, for an alcoholic it might be admitting you have a problem, for someone thats shy it might be walking into a room filled with strangers, or for a soldier it may be heading into battle knowing that you may not return, all are brave but how does brave work in a relationship?

When you meet someone new its all about trust, but not trust for where they are or what they are doing but trust for how much of yourself you let them see, take care of and ultimately have control of. Its like going to a busy shopping centre with a bag full of all your most treasured possessions and memories and having to find someone to hold the bag for you while you are in the loo !  You run through all the awful scenarios in your head that the person you chose may run off with the bag of treasures, they may empty them out for everyone to see and humiliate you or they may pull them all to shreds and leave them in a heap and wander off -on the other hand if you choose the person wisely then they will hold your bag of treasures carefully and lovingly and ensure no harm comes to them- but its a tough call!

Fear is often referred to as False Evidence Appearing Real- its the worrying about something that might or might not happen in the future and thats what we all do in relationships rather than grabbing what we have with both hands and enjoying it there and then. But our past experiences and fears of the future tend to get in the way, and this seems to happen more and more as you get older, we spend our time looking for and scrutinizing the other person for the minute indicators that are going to confirm to us that this new person is going to be exactly the same and as awful as the last person to hurt us, in fact this new person will probably be ten times worse so we better be extra cautious and extra paranoid. So whats the answer? Living in the now and living with courage is my answer – whenever I am sad or worried I ask myself, Right now, this very minute, with everything I know to be true, am I ok? This is very specific about the present time – it disregards anything that may have happened to me in the past, and it disregards anything that may happen in the future, so almost always my answer is Yes, I am ok (loss of blood may be the only exception!) . If this is the answer then my fear and anxiety is about something that is non existent,that hasn’t yet happened, so I’m worrying about something that may in fact not happen at all, so I then ask myself if there is anything at that present time that I can do to improve the situation -sometimes its yes, its a well placed phone call, rant to a friend, but mostly the answer is that nothing can be done and no amount of fear or worrying will change the situation and therefore a pointless exercise.

Yesterday in fact I had a test,the day started semi normally but I knew something was wrong with my new man. I said nothing at the time but my mind raced all day with made-up scenarios which may or may not have included him getting back together with an ex, moving to timbuctoo, landing a job in Haiti, he had a secret family with 10 children and him realizing I’m actually insane amongst many other fabulous ideas- all of which made me incredibly stressed and upset! This morning I pulled myself together, put my rational and normal hat on and resolved to just go and talk to him – which I did!  I’m actually shocked that this action didn’t result in me being dumped immediately because my first thing in the morning, no make-up bedraggled look is not my best, but it didn’t – it resulted in talk and communication and (hopefully) permanent resolution…

The moral to my story is this…… sometimes you need to be brave – to  put yourself out there for all the rubbish to land on you and shred you to bits, and more often than not all that will land on you is cotton wool balls or fluffy white clouds….  but sometimes, just sometimes you put yourself out there and the only thing that falls on you is happiness- simple as that.


Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, 
While loving someone deeply gives you courage. 
~ by Lao Tzu ~


Claire xoxo

Is There an Age Restriction to Loving Without Limits?

Posted on 05/26/2010 by admin
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I live in the now, I preach it to everyone I know and I teach it in workshops and courses – to me it’s the foundation of being happy, so why, for the first time in years am I acting with a fear of the future, a fear of something that may not even happen?


I’m 42 and I’m single, I have no problem with being single, I’m independent and happy. But I haven’t always been single, I’ve had my fair share of long and meaningful relationships and also my fair share of heartache, in fact one relationship left my self-esteem and self-confidence so trampled and shredded that when the heartbreak inevitably occurred it felt good to have a different kind of pain. Having said that I picked my self up and evolved into the confident, self-assured and thoroughly fab person that I am today.

Since then I have dated lots, and I mean LOTS and I’ve been the dumper and the dumpee on many occasions but I can safely say that none of them have hurt. Mildly cheesed-off is about as bad as it’s been to be honest and that’s ok because that’s safe and I can handle mildly cheesed-off but do I want heartbreak again, is being with someone worth that possibility?  Theres a great line in Erin Brockovitch when Erin says  to George “Are you going to be something else I have to get over?” I think when we get older we are all a little guilty of living by that philosophy.


When you meet someone that you really like its like a slippery slope, almost impossible to stop the feelings but at the back of your mind is a voice that says its all going to go horribly wrong and the slippery slope you are on is a slippery slope to inevitable pain.

Up to now I have dated people for up to around 6 weeks, this is plenty of time to get to know someone, get a bit bored, move on and have no residual feelings – I realize now that it’s a strategy that has worked well for me, and its kept me safe, after all, our prime natural instinct is always for our own safety right?  I have even realized that the few of those relationships that could have actually developed into something were magnificently and heroically sabotaged by me, so that I ended up being dumped –job well done Claire!


I have dogs you know, I love them and adore their ‘give it 100%’ unconditional nature –no matter what, they love me, I go out and leave them all day and they don’t sulk, they are just pleased to see me on my return, I scream and shout at them because I’ve had a bad day and they try and understand, don’t take it personally and throw themselves at me when I’ve calmed down. You know where you are with dogs.


Am I a control freak? I dont think so –I just like to be in control of my outcomes haha…..So what’s different now?  Well the universe seems to have cottoned on to my grand plan and has resolved to scupper me! I’m at my 6 weeks point after only a matter of days. Much as I try I can’t get the person out of my mind, constantly wonder what they are doing and more importantly if they are thinking about me and if they are, what are they thinking – it seems a constant stressful, and slightly euphoric state! And its ridiculous quite frankly and rather pathetic – I’m 42 for heavens sake – Isn’t this what happens when you’re 18? I should know better shouldn’t I?


I always tell people when they’ve had a break up that the success of a relationship should not be measured on longevity, it should be measured on how it helped you to develop and grow as a person, how it changed you – that’s the mark of success., so maybe I should listen to my own words of wisdom, the outcome is not the most important part.


What should I do? Keep my heart safe and secure and let nothing happen to it, good or bad or should I jump wholeheartedly, build my wings on the way down and hope that at the bottom of this particularly steep and slippery slope that there is someone to catch me? I have a feeling that there will be, but actually, after the life I’ve had I know that if I do hit the bottom of the slope at full pelt I will be ok ,a little shaken and a little bruised, maybe even a lot shaken and a lot bruised but I’ll be able to get up, dust myself off and life will continue to be good….



Growing Confidence

Posted on 10/27/2009 by admin
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Confidence comes in many forms and its one of those things that seems to grow the more you have and yet when you start losing it, it disappears very quickly and seems hard to build back up.

Many of our actions in life come out of fear although on the surface it may not seem this way. When you get angry about someones actions, you lose your temper, get angry at your partner etc you need to dig a little deeper and find out whats really going on. Anger comes from fear such as being alone, not being loved, not being wanted etc. Unfortunately when we act out of fear we are not staying true to our own set of beliefs and values and this incongruency leads to a loss of self-confidence, after all how can you trust yourself to make good decisions when you act out of fear rather than belief and values?
As you may know The Bombshell Academy consists of Emma Jennings (happily married mother of two lovely boys) and me, Claire Dobinson (very single). Well I am lucky enough to go on quite a few dates, in fact I probably have on average a first date a week which is pretty good going, the problem lies in the fact that not many progress to 2nd or 3rd dates and very few progress further than this. This is ok with me because I know what I’m looking for and at the ripe old age of 41 I’m not willing to settle for second best but to illustrate my confidence theme I have to tell you about a recent encounter.
I met a guy I actually liked (miracle in itself) and I was seeing him for 3 weeks, not long admittedly but it IS long for me! Anyway, we both liked each other, got on great etc and got onto the conversation about exclusivity. At which point he revealed to me that he was seeing someone else who he couldn’t possibly finish with because she was a really nice person and currently very vulnerable! So what to do?
I KNOW what I am looking for in a relationship – someone kind, loving, loyal and honest, preferably looking like George Clooney but the last bit is not a deal-breaker, all the others definitely are. They are deal-breakers because I KNOW with all my heart and soul that thats what I deserve from someone and anything else is compromise that will go against my beliefs and values and will eat away at my confidence.
So what did I do? Well I really liked him so of course I did the usual thing in my head of telling myself that I was sure he’d finish with her when he realizes how much he likes me and how wonderful I am, and thinking that he’s the first person I’ve really liked in 18 months and I might not find anyone else, and he is so perfect in every other way………. And then I came to my senses and said I deserve more, dont act on fear (that I will be alone forever) , act on instinct and the true belief that I can do better. After all, to start a relationship in that way is to set a precedence for how you want to be treated and you are telling the other person that its ok to not treat you with the respect you deserve.
There’s a famous saying – Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway -well everytime you do that you will grow in confidence, enforce your own beliefs and values and live happier every day.
Have a Great Confident Day!
Claire x
www.bombshellacademy.co.uk