Even when you are mostly confident, sassy, and fabulous its almost impossible not to have certain insecurities just like everyone else, and my insecurities have well and truly come to the fore recently and given me an almighty slap and taught me an invaluable lesson which I will share in the hope that you can learn from my mistake….
My new relationship is moving on at lightning pace, and going from strength to strength, so much so that he has met my parents (my Mum I think is in love with him now nearly as much as me) and I actually took the biggest step I possibly can by actually inviting him into my home. This really is a giant step for me because my home is definitely my castle and if anyone comes here it means that they have to meet all my dogs (this is a test of endurance in itself). Not only that but its a big step for me because all the time I don’t have anyone at my home I feel like I can always walk away with no consequence and hurt, I’m able to disassociate myself from the other person almost immediately because they’ve never been that much in my life, but the difference this time is that I actually do want him in my life. The other thing to keep in mind is that I live in a very old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere with all my dogs and donkeys and my house is not exactly palatial,which is an understatement on a mahusive scale and because of this I’d actually convinced myself that the moment he left me he would send me a text saying that he didn’t want to see me anymore. Just for the record I dont mind being dumped by text -I quite like the cold randomness of it really. Anyway, yes I’d convinced myself that it would undoubtedly be over so when I saw him again I was still partly bracing myself for said dumping… It didn’t happen, which is good of course but while I was in this ‘imminent dumping’ state and feeling all insecure,paranoid and slightly barmy I did something I am completely ashamed of…… I looked at the messages on his phone while he was out of the room!!!!!!! I know, I know, I can hear you all scream – OH NO, CLAIRE YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!
I think part of me was just looking for evidence to feed my current state of paranoia and in my idiotic state of course I found a message to upset me – I read it out of context and of course didn’t stop to look at the date of it (months ago!) and as soon as I felt upset I knew I’d brought this on myself, because now I not only had to confess why I was upset but how I had managed to upset myself as well – the shame and embarrassment actually made the upset pale into insignificance!
I need to add at this point that I trust my lovely boyfriend 110% and that means a lot to me because I’ve been on the end of the whole cheating lark in the past and its really not nice.
Of course my boyfriend was his usual fabulous, understanding and thoroughly amazing self but it actually could have all gone so horribly wrong and it would have been all my own fault for being nosey and paranoid and insecure.
So – my moral and lesson to learn is that nothing good ever comes from snooping, you find things you were never meant to see, get hurt by things that were never intended. I’m all for openness and honesty and having no secrets but sometimes I think you have to really put trust in your other half that they have your best interest at heart and that they care about you enough not to share absolutely everything with you because they know some things will hurt.
When you’ve been single and independent a long time like me its really hard to hand over the control of some of your feelings to someone else, because thats what you are doing by putting all your trust in them, but its something I am still learning and working on and day by day I am doing it more and more, and it feels good…….
Claire
xoxo