Tag Archives: Experiences

Can you read minds?

Posted on 09/24/2010 by admin
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I’ve spent most of my life interested in the workings of the human mind and have spent the last 12 years formalising this fascination with qualifications so I know how the mind works and how its put together, I even know what kinds of events and experiences in the past can affect it but one thing I can’t do is read someones mind.

Years ago when I was a drug and alcohol counsellor I had a particularly challenging client. I saw him a couple of weeks in a row and he sat in front of me and didn’t utter a single word the entire time, the 3rd week I saw him I thought I better change my approach and this time he came in, sat down and I explained to him that I was all out of questions and I was just going to wait for him to decide whether he wanted to talk. We sat in silence for about 59 minutes (the session was an hour long) and then he spoke…. I wont go into details of what he said but the point is it was the first time he’d actually verbalised how he felt and got it out of his system, from then on the conversation was easier and his recovery I’m pleased to say was swift. 

 I’m big on communication, I think its the key to good relationships and when you stop talking its hard to keep things from crumbling. The important thing though is to talk about the real issues and to not blame the other person for how your feeling, after all your feelings are your own responsibility. Have you ever had an argument with your other half about something ridiculously small and insignificant, like not putting the lid on the toothpaste or not picking up their socks? Come on, be honest the socks are not the real issue, after all on another day they wouldn’t bother you, the argument is NOT about the socks, the argument is because the socks are, to you, just one more sign that the other half doesn’t care about you, because if they cared about your feelings they pick up the socks right? SO – dont argue about the socks, no one is going to win that argument, not even the socks, instead say ‘When you dont tidy up behind yourself I interpret that as a sign that you dont care about me’ – thats the REAL issue and I guarantee you will get a better result because your  partner probably had no idea that their actions would be interpreted like this, they were probably just being untidy!

None of us are mind-readers and we should never expect that other people can read our minds, they shouldn’t ‘just know’ that we are unhappy, we have to tell them but we are only comfortable doing this if we think the information will be received in the positive way that it is meant, which is why part of good communication is to be a good listener. When someone tells you that leaving socks around the house makes them feel unloved, dont judge, dont try and justify your actions or solve the problem,  just listen, acknowledge the other persons feelings, apologise if necessary and move on. 

I think I’m a good listener, its something I’ve learnt to be and I have a really good ear for picking up the real messages and issues, this is what years of training has done, but I believe we can all be better listeners merely by keeping our mouths shut – just listen until the other person has stopped talking, dont chip in, dont offer an opinion, just listen, it’ll be appreciated much more than you’d ever believe…….


Claire xoxo



Leaving the past behind

Posted on 09/20/2010 by admin
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One of the most difficult things to do in a new relationship it seems is to not let your past affect your current situation and I have to admit that I am being particularly tested with this at the minute.
My last big relationship which finished over 3 years ago now was a destructive one, it knocked my confidence ms self-belief and it made me very distrustful, not only in peoples actions but even more so in their words, it left me not believing a word anyone said and I still find this a challenge. During the relationship my partner (I use that term in the loosest sense) used to say things that he thought I wanted to hear or to appease me. I remember virtually every New Year would start with me saying to him ‘this year we will definitely get married won’t we?’ Yes he would say, this year I promise we will and we web went so far as setting dates, but the dates came and went and of course nothing happened. He would do the same thing when it came to something like saving for a new car for me which I badly needed or new furniture or in fact anything that would make my life easier or more pleasurable, it would always be promised and promised but the promises were never delivered and if I questioned the promises then I somehow ended up being the ‘bad guy’ because I dared to question things or I ended up feeling like an idiot because apparently I had completely misunderstood what had been said – it was all mind games and even though I consider myself now to be fairly level-headed, well adjusted and confident these days I find that my past experiences creep in and influence my thoughts every now and again.

My current lovely man is 100% honest, I have no doubt at all about that and he’s not the sort of person that would say anything unless he really meant it, and wouldn’t promise something unless he had every intention of delivering, but even though I know all this I recently found myself questioning every word he’d said to mr because I interpreted one innocent action on his part entirely the wrong way.
The problem is not with him, the problem is with me and the residue of those years of mind games, so how can I put them to rest once and for all and start believing the sincerity of what someone tells me? Some things take time I guess and when words are consistently backed up with actions it will gradually chip away at my historical evidence until it’s just a pile of rubble in the recesses of my memory, but I’m also aware that no one likes their words being questioned and the last thing I want to do is inflict my misjudgements on my present relationship.
Is it actually possible to start afresh when embarking on a brand new relationship? I don’t think it is, as human beings we are conditioned to learn from our past mistakes, so I suppose the only thing we can do is try and observe which of our learning’s are destructive and which are constructive. So – the constructive learning from all those mind-games is that I am a survivor, I am able to bounce back, dust myself off and cone back stronger, more positive and confident. But my destructive learning was that I shouldn’t trust what people say to me so how can I turn that into a positive, can I rewrite the rules I’m storing in my head?
Well the ‘words-no-action’ thing was just that one person, and he did perform consistently that way for many years, other people are not the same, in fact some people (new man included) say one thing and then their actions vastly over deliver on the words so actually that should kill my rule that NOONEs words should be trusted. So – how about a new rule for my head along the lines that If a person says something and delivers even once then that’s a good indicator that all their words can be trusted? That makes sense right?
So – I have an action plan, a new rule and I know how to use it, I also have the courage to follow through with it, all I need now is to give myself a nudge whenever I find myself wavering……….

Claire xoxo

Making History…..

Posted on 07/28/2010 by admin
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It’s tricky being the new kid on the block, and the new girlfriend for that matter, and I think its especially hard when you are older. You all know I’m 42 and I have a LOT of history, and of course so do the people I date. Now I’ve been with the same lovely man for 3 months and he IS genuinely lovely, he’s the same age as me, give or take a few months and has a LOT of history of his own, and there the ‘problem’ comes, or should I say challenge…..

In the last 3 months I’ve met lots of friends and even relatives of his and it’s all good, but people like to talk about past experiences, episodes and relive fun times etc, this is fine but of course commonly a certain persons name comes up and an ex’s name keeps occurring.I’m not saying this is one-sided, far from it, I spent 15 years with the same person so he features quite heavily in my history but I do try and refer to him as the anonymous ‘ex’ as much as possible.

Well the other night whilst out I must have heard a certain persons name, we’ll call her ‘Y’ over 100 times, OK, it wasn’t 100 times in fact if closely analysed it was probably only 2 or 3 times in reality but it felt like 100 times and you know yourself, when you are listening for a certain word it seems to appear everywhere – well by the end of the evening I had sufficiently wound myself up and made myself feel as though everyone on earth was getting at me that I could have stamped my feet and screamed at the top of my voice “Stop talking about bloody ‘Y’ “

I managed to hold it in until we got home, and boyfriend knew instantly something was eating me – this is partly due to the fact that I wear my emotions on my face and find it impossible to hide how I’m feeling and partly due to the fact that boyfriend seems to have a radar that detects my bad moods at 20ft which I suppose is a good thing but doesn’t give me much chance to concoct a really good defense in my head of how I’m feeling!

Anyway, mild argument ensued and I do mean mild because neither of us are big arguers and problem resolved in minutes, but I did end up feeling a bit of an idiot for my reaction, after all, why should someone not be able to talk about their history and the personal journey that has made them into the wonderful person they are? In fact if that particular series of events hadn’t happened in that exact way then he probably wouldn’t even be with me, and that doesn’t bear thinking about quite frankly.

The actual meaning of history is ‘the study of past events’  the key word there being ‘past’. We all have a past and its made us become the people we are, the only bearing it has on our present and our future is how we react to it, and this includes how we react to other peoples pasts. We all have a history, past events that have had an impact on our lives and the people we originally had those experiences with become a part of us good or bad, this doesn’t mean that there is any less feeling or emotion for those that we are with now, in fact sometimes past events make us appreciate those people we have in the present a whole lot more.

I agree its tough when everything you think of they’ve done ‘first’ with someone else, or places to visit have always been visited with someone else and it inevitably brings with it a little resentment or jealousy but the truth is it just doesn’t matter. I’ve eaten chocolate cake hundreds of times and it doesn’t mean that each piece is any less lovely, in fact I can’t actually remember the very first piece of chocolate cake I had….. Ok, thats probably a bad example but you get the essence of what I’m saying?? Whether you experience something with someone the first time, the last time or the 100th time, it just doesn’t matter, the important thing is to just make the moment count.

For now, I have chosen to put my ridiculous insecurities aside and embrace the stories and history that have made the man I love into who he is, how his character has been created and changed and how he has evolved into the person he is today and I have decided that the best way to move forward is to start creating our very own history and make it as memorable as possible….


Claire xoxo

Sometimes you need to be brave….

Posted on 06/08/2010 by admin
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How do you class brave? For an agoraphobic it might be putting one foot out of the door, for an alcoholic it might be admitting you have a problem, for someone thats shy it might be walking into a room filled with strangers, or for a soldier it may be heading into battle knowing that you may not return, all are brave but how does brave work in a relationship?

When you meet someone new its all about trust, but not trust for where they are or what they are doing but trust for how much of yourself you let them see, take care of and ultimately have control of. Its like going to a busy shopping centre with a bag full of all your most treasured possessions and memories and having to find someone to hold the bag for you while you are in the loo !  You run through all the awful scenarios in your head that the person you chose may run off with the bag of treasures, they may empty them out for everyone to see and humiliate you or they may pull them all to shreds and leave them in a heap and wander off -on the other hand if you choose the person wisely then they will hold your bag of treasures carefully and lovingly and ensure no harm comes to them- but its a tough call!

Fear is often referred to as False Evidence Appearing Real- its the worrying about something that might or might not happen in the future and thats what we all do in relationships rather than grabbing what we have with both hands and enjoying it there and then. But our past experiences and fears of the future tend to get in the way, and this seems to happen more and more as you get older, we spend our time looking for and scrutinizing the other person for the minute indicators that are going to confirm to us that this new person is going to be exactly the same and as awful as the last person to hurt us, in fact this new person will probably be ten times worse so we better be extra cautious and extra paranoid. So whats the answer? Living in the now and living with courage is my answer – whenever I am sad or worried I ask myself, Right now, this very minute, with everything I know to be true, am I ok? This is very specific about the present time – it disregards anything that may have happened to me in the past, and it disregards anything that may happen in the future, so almost always my answer is Yes, I am ok (loss of blood may be the only exception!) . If this is the answer then my fear and anxiety is about something that is non existent,that hasn’t yet happened, so I’m worrying about something that may in fact not happen at all, so I then ask myself if there is anything at that present time that I can do to improve the situation -sometimes its yes, its a well placed phone call, rant to a friend, but mostly the answer is that nothing can be done and no amount of fear or worrying will change the situation and therefore a pointless exercise.

Yesterday in fact I had a test,the day started semi normally but I knew something was wrong with my new man. I said nothing at the time but my mind raced all day with made-up scenarios which may or may not have included him getting back together with an ex, moving to timbuctoo, landing a job in Haiti, he had a secret family with 10 children and him realizing I’m actually insane amongst many other fabulous ideas- all of which made me incredibly stressed and upset! This morning I pulled myself together, put my rational and normal hat on and resolved to just go and talk to him – which I did!  I’m actually shocked that this action didn’t result in me being dumped immediately because my first thing in the morning, no make-up bedraggled look is not my best, but it didn’t – it resulted in talk and communication and (hopefully) permanent resolution…

The moral to my story is this…… sometimes you need to be brave – to  put yourself out there for all the rubbish to land on you and shred you to bits, and more often than not all that will land on you is cotton wool balls or fluffy white clouds….  but sometimes, just sometimes you put yourself out there and the only thing that falls on you is happiness- simple as that.


Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, 
While loving someone deeply gives you courage. 
~ by Lao Tzu ~


Claire xoxo